Humor 11/2/98: Comments & Evaluations

Hi everyone,

It's been a few weeks since I sent out the last humor email. I've been
really busy with school work. I'm really enjoying my classes,
activities, and the weather. It's still sunny everyday, with low
humidity, and temperature in the low 70's during the day, and I think
50's at night.

I'll tell you a bit about what I've been up to in every email. One of
my favorite classes is "Managerial Problem Solving". The main component
of this class is a computer simulation. All of the students are divided
into teams. Each team represents a company located in one of three
countries which manufactures and sells one of two types of products.
The team has to make decisions about how much goods to produce, what
prices to charge, how much to spend on advertising, whether to build new
factories, how much to import or export to the other countries, how much
to invest in R&D, etc. The number of variables that we have to decide
on is enormous. We also have to make personal investment choices, of
stocks, money markets, foreign investments, futures, etc. I' really
impressed with the level of complexity of the computer game. I think it
does a great job in simulating how the economic system, supply and
demand, etc, work. If you're interested, you can go to the website,
www.ibsim.com, click on "Demonstration Site", enter ID = "demo10" and
password "guest". You will get a good flavor of what this game is all
about.

On a personal note, I've been visiting different churches every week. I
have one more church to visit before I choose which one to go to.
However, if you have any other suggestions of good churches to visit in
the LA area, please let me know.

Also, a friend of mine, Lisa Chiou, just got engaged. Congrats! She
was wondering if anyone had any advice on wedding planning. Since so
many of you are married or engaged, perhaps you can email her some
suggestions or tips. Her email address is: lcchiou@aol.com. Or you
can email me and I'll forward your thoughts to her.

This week's humor email is about performance evaluations. I picked this
humor because we just had a case study in our HR class about performance
evaluations. Thanks to Elaine Wong for forwarding this to me. Since
this week's humor is so long, I'm not going to attach an inspirational
story. Enjoy the email and take care!

-Josh.
_____________________________________

"ACTUAL" QUOTES FROM FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever

foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy. She sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.


"ACTUAL" LINES FROM MILITARY OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS (OERS):

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

>====================
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are "actual" quotes from

managers out there:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business.

5. Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a
good job in training people.

6. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.

7. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

8. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let

you know when it's time to tell them.

==========

"Actual" stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport
on the airlines.....

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the

hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's
fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we

land or were we shot down?"

>From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal

tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United
Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be
very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by
falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell
during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and
after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and

announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

--
_____________________________________

Joshua Li
431 S. Burnside Ave. #12 B
Los Angeles CA 90036
(323)936-8476
Permanent Email: joshli@post.harvard.edu
http://personal.anderson.ucla.edu/joshua.li/